Well. Well. Well. Gather round, children, because it turns out the laws of physics, economics and common sense have once again elbowed their way into a boardroom full of PowerPoint slides and tofu sandwiches.
Porsche, you know, the company that built its reputation on engines so charismatic they could make grown men cry into their driving gloves, is now preparing to stuff petrol engines back into the next-generation Boxster and Cayman. Yes. Petrol. The flammable, noisy, gloriously antisocial stuff we were all told was finished. Apparently, it’s not.
Only last month, production of the fourth-generation Boxster and Cayman ended, paving the way for shiny new bespoke EV replacements. We were assured this was progress. The future. Inevitability. And anyone who objected was clearly a dinosaur who still owns CDs.
Fast forward five minutes and, and surprise! EV demand has gone softer than a damp croissant. Porsche, staring at reality like a startled meerkat, has already announced it will keep selling the “top” petrol versions, the RS and GT4 RS, because, shockingly, people actually want sports cars that sound like sports cars.
This was all wrapped up in a polite corporate euphemism called a “strategic realignment”, which is German for we just lost £6.65 billion and need a rethink. That rethink now includes the most delicious irony of all: reverse-engineering an EV-only platform to take a mid-mounted internal combustion engine.
I will let that sink in for a moment.
Porsche engineers at Weissach are now working out how to un-EV an EV platform. It’s rather like buying a vegan café and secretly installing a steak grill out the back. Technically possible, but only because customers keep asking where the beef is.
The PPE Sport platform, originally designed around a giant structural battery and a flat floor, now needs a petrol engine, exhaust, fuel tank, fuel lines, and all the other oily bits EV evangelists said we’d never need again. There’s no tunnel. No tank space. No exhaust routing. So, Porsche will essentially bolt in a whole new rear structure to put back the rigidity the battery once provided.
In other words: it’s a monumental engineering headache caused entirely by believing the hype.
Previously, Porsche claimed its glorious 4.0-litre naturally aspirated flat-six wouldn’t survive Euro 7. Turns out Euro 7 was watered down, e-fuels got a lifeline, and suddenly, what do you know, the engine lives! Funny how that works.
One senior engineer admitted the electric Boxster and Cayman risked becoming “a niche”. Translation: people weren’t buying them because a silent, heavy sports car makes about as much sense as a diet beer at Oktoberfest.
The likely saviour? That same 4.0-litre flat-six, potentially punching out nearly 500bhp. Which means the future of Porsche’s entry sports cars sounds suspiciously like… the past.
So yes, Porsche is backpedalling faster than a cyclist being chased by a GT3 RS. And to those who said this would happen, that sports cars need engines, noise, soul and drama, all that remains is a smug smile and a gentle cough.
We did tell you so.
